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Title: Poor Little Dark Lord
Fandom: Harry Potter/Jack Chick tracts
Characters: Voldemort, Harry Potter
Prompt: [27] OMG We Forgot ___
Word Count: 728
Rating: PG
Summary: Voldemort discovers a Chick Tract. AU.
Disclaimer: This is a non-profit, amateur effort not intended to infringe on the rights of JK Rowling, Jack Chick, or any other copyright holder.
Author's Notes: AU. Besides the tangent from Deathly Hallows, in this timeline Voldemort only has six Horcruxes; Harry never was one.

In the darkened house, Lord Voldemort waited. The muggle filth who previously made their home there lay dead on the floor, the youngest now being swallowed by Nagini for her evening meal. He cackled with glee at the thought of Potter's reaction to the scene; the weak, foolish boy would likely be distracted by the sight.

His minions had been dispatched elsewhere, to cause chaos and take out any foolish muggleborns they might encounter. It occurred to him that, despite the genius of his trap, it might still be some time before Potter arrived. He glanced around; there might be something he could distract himself with, until the time came.

Glancing over the bookcases, he scoffed. A muggle home, after all – what would they have to interest him? Then a small comic caught his eye. He did have somewhat fond memories of reading the colourful tales of horror, on the occasions he could get one at the orphanage. And it was about a witch, no less! He picked it up. "'The Poor Little Witch'. Not the standard Hogwarts uniform that a girl that age would be wearing, but not bad."

Settling into a nearby chair that had only minimal bloodstains on it, he began to read. The tale that unfolded was one that felt familiar to him; the days before he discovered his powers, before he could control them, when his smaller size made him a target for bullies, and the one time he tried to tell a teacher he could talk to snakes ended with a lecture on the temptation of Eve and original sin.

The power of control, of knowing you'd had your revenge on those who hurt you through your wonderful abilities . . . he could relate to this girl. She cowered away from the dark arts rather quickly, but to live on in eternal paradise? He would have no need for Horcruxes if that option were available to him. What with the Order of the Phoenix destroying them left and right, a contingency plan couldn't hurt. It was hard to imagine bowing to another master, not since becoming a Dark Lord himself . . . but his own minions were fools, and it would certainly be to his benefit to ally himself with a being whose powers exceeded those of any witch or wizard. And if no weapon used against him would work, what need was there for the Dark Arts to protect him?

Cackling with glee, he recited the incantation printed there, "Lord Jesus, please forgive me and wash me clean. I want you as my lord and personal saviour. I want to serve you."

He felt an inner calm rush over him, and smiled. The sound of an apparition outside the house drew Nagini to sluggishly make her way to greet the attackers, but he felt no fear. He merely stood to greet them, and waited with his wand at his side. He felt a stab of regret as she was killed; it seemed his protection did not extend to his pet. But he would avenge her, after demonstrating to them his power.

The brat and his allies burst into the room, fury on their faces. "You're finished, Riddle! We're going to stop you from hurting anyone ever again!"

He merely smiled and stood there. They had no idea what they were facing, but soon they would see.

"Avada Kedavra!"

******

He was somewhat confused as the angel came to escort him to the gleaming throne. What happened to 'No weapon that is formed against you will prosper'? Ah, well – eternal glory would be his, in this world if not the last.

When he was set down, he bowed respectfully. "Lord, I have sworn allegiance to you and was killed in my faith. What is the glory that awaits me?"

The voice that responded radiated with power, but a hint of confusion. "TOM RIDDLE. YOU DID PRAY TO ME, BUT YOUR ACTIONS BEFORE . . ."

"I was told that if I repented, then all would be forgiven!"

"THIS IS TRUE. BUT YOU WERE ONLY IN POSESSION OF ONE-SIXTY-FOURTH OF YOUR SOUL AT THE TIME YOU REPENTED."

"Er."

"YOU MAY ENTER INTO THE JOY OF THE LORD, BUT ONLY FOR ONE-SIXTY-FORUTH OF ETERNITY. GO IN PEACE. FOR NOW."

As the angel escorted him into his temporary residence, he wished he'd checked that stupid tract for fine print.

Comments

( 15 comments — Leave a comment )
glitterberrys
Sep. 12th, 2008 04:56 pm (UTC)
HAHAHAHA. OH MY GOD. THAT IS AWESOME. I can't stop laughing.

Also, that tract makes me laugh almost as much. "We can't stop the crazy cult from murdering you, but accept Jesus so you won't care when they do!"
fairest1
Sep. 12th, 2008 05:33 pm (UTC)
*grin* Thank you!

Though, they seem to claim that if you're on the side of Jesus, magic can't touch you. Which implies that magic is real and works on anyone who isn't 'saved'.
glitterberrys
Sep. 13th, 2008 11:31 pm (UTC)
This should totally be a series. Just think how many other characters need to hear the word of Chick.

And that makes sense, though I figured they wouldn't kill her by magic, but rather the old-fashioned stabbing in a dark alley way. And why wouldn't she believe in magic if she knows it works, Jesus or no Jesus? I can never figure out what the heck Chick is trying to get across, aside from the fact that Jesus hates me.
fairest1
Sep. 13th, 2008 11:49 pm (UTC)
It's hard to settle on which ones are horrible enough to deserve it, though. Any character who has an in-canon redemption is right out(so no Darth Vader). Any villain who's got decent motivation for what they do is out (ie, Magneto in the incarnations I'm familiar with).

Well, in another tract faith in Jesus will help you defeat a mundane kidnapper . . . hard to say how much He'll do for the newly-reformed witch.
glitterberrys
Sep. 14th, 2008 12:16 am (UTC)
Hmmm. You raise a good point. I guess one would have to extend the pool to pretty much anyone Chick thinks is going to hell. (Oh, wait, that's everyone, isn't it...)
fairest1
Sep. 14th, 2008 12:33 am (UTC)
Everyone except him and the type of people that most Christians say make them look bad. And the guy who converted Jack. Possibly everyone who truly, deeply believes in the shit Jack says will get in.

Since we're going to Hell for laughing, I hope we end up with the version of the devil that wanted mankind to have knowledge and for Jesus to rule the world as he wished.
lyorn
Sep. 12th, 2008 05:02 pm (UTC)
Love it. One sixty fourth of a soul. *BG*
fairest1
Sep. 12th, 2008 05:30 pm (UTC)
He divided it in half six times. It's simple math that he forgot to calculate.
lordhellebore
Sep. 12th, 2008 05:41 pm (UTC)
*rofl* So, so typical of Voldie, really. And calling the prayer an "incantation" fits perfectly!

Also - a sixty-fourth of eternity? I craked up at that one *snickers* Even if that still is eternity, since something without boundaries can't be measured. (But that's just me being too technical here ;)
fairest1
Sep. 12th, 2008 05:47 pm (UTC)
In Jack Chick's world, it does seem to function as an incantation.

The God of Chick Tracts is the type of guy to toss someone into hell because they were a good and moral person but didn't say the incantation. I bet he'd make 1/64th of eternity into a finite amount, and make Hell seem even worse if you go there from paradise.
lordhellebore
Sep. 12th, 2008 05:50 pm (UTC)
You know what is the worst thing about all of that? When I was 16, a friend tried to evangelise me, and he used a Chick tract. He succeeded - but NOT because of the tract thing (which was, luckily, one of the few not being full of mind-boggling stupidity).
twistedsheets10
Sep. 13th, 2008 12:17 am (UTC)
THIS.

*dies in sheer happiness*

Oh God, poor Tom Riddle.
fairest1
Sep. 13th, 2008 01:54 am (UTC)
Thank you! I do have sympathy for wee!Tom, at least -- seriously, imagine how hard you'd have it being raised in a (odds are) Christian orphanage when you're a child who can talk to snakes. Having people assume it's a sign of evil and that you'll turn out bad would discourage you from trying to prove otherwise.

After . . . well, it's his own damn fault for thinking it'd be a good idea to smash up his soul.
hanfastolfe
Dec. 12th, 2008 10:57 pm (UTC)
Just ran across this from fanficrants's userinfo page - *has died laughing* good one! XD
angiepen
Feb. 7th, 2009 02:27 am (UTC)
rolly-man

This is great! I love the 1/64 of Eternity thing. :D

Angie
( 15 comments — Leave a comment )